Guilt

Today i am feeling the guilt for not being able to be with Shaurya. I reached home at 6 o'clock in the morning as usual. Shaurya had got up by then. I tried to make him sleep so that Manasi does not have to spend time with him which is used to prepare food for him, breakfast and lunch for myself , mom, dad and herself, to get ready for the office snd god knows what all other things. Shaurya didn't sleep for a long time and so i was also awake till 10 in the morning after which numerous people ranging from watchman to maids to governess tried to keep me awake. Finally i got to sleep at 11ish. As i was tired and exhausted and sleepy i slept till 5 in the evening and didn't see Shaurya at all during the day.

Later mom told me that he was crying a lot and proposed the theory that it was coz niether me nor Manasi were with him. It stung me. I was not with my son and because of which he cried whole day. didn't eat his meals properly. I don't know if he was cranky because of my absence or not but i feel it was my duty to be available for him. Whatever be the situation i think i can't escape the responsibility to take good care of him.

I had just about an hour left before leaving for office. Still i tried to spend about half an hour with him so that i could make up for the day lost. Guess it cannot by any measure be enough for what was lost. Guilty as i am will try not to repeat it again ever.

6th Birth Date

Today is Shaurya's 6th birth date. He is already 6 months old. Half a year gone - so soon. He is growing very fast. And one way of showing this to the world is his taste in meals that he is having these days. He does not like milk at all. Even if he is very hungry it takes a lot to feed him by his milk bottle. Wonder if its the milk or the bottle that he dislikes. He is showing liking towards semi-solid and food stuffs like biscuits etc. which can be munched upon. He does not have teeth yet but i guess chewing things would help him in getting teeth. May be such things stimulate his gums as well. Don't know. As i mentioned earlier as well that now he recognises faces, voices, expressions etc. very well. He has his own set of expressions as well. 6 months is a landmark. Love you baby and happy 6th birth date.

Baby Sitter for Shaurya

Finally we hired a baby sitter for Shaurya yesterday. We were trying to get one for a long time specially after Manasi resumed work. She is supposed to be with him for more than 8 hours taking care of his feeding, playing with him and doing some minor household related work. Although, I got up at every small sound that Shaurya made, I got to sleep a little more today. May be with time as Shaurya gets more accustomed to the new person in house, I will also be more comfortable to leave him entirely with her. She did most of his feeding througout the day. It was wierd to feel a little jealous and a little bad for not taking care of him myself. I was doing that for more than 2 weeks and although at times it was little hard, i was enjoying it. To be with him all the time and make sure i feed him his quota of the entire day. Most of which Shaurya never used to eat in the first go. But still to feel proud that 'at the end of the day i have managed to feed him properly'. To make him sleep and then run around to get myself ready for office in limited time. I remember when one day he dragged himself all the way to the gallery crossing the entire hall to find me when i had left him alone sleeping to take a bath. He was crying and i felt so touched. It was good. For some reason i felt that connection to decrease in these 2 days. I hope his baby sitter is good and takes good care of him. Once she is taking care of him, I will be more relaxed towards Shaurya and i wish that does not affect his health. To be frank i am worried and for a moment today I felt like relieving her from the responsibility to make things as they were. But i know thats not logical and neither good for both of us. Lets have an assessment for some more days and hopefully everything would fall in place as it always does. On my part i will try to be more with Shaurya when she is taking care of him. Let's hope for the best...

Happy B'Day Daddy

Yesterday, Shaurya celebrated his Dad's Birthday. His first such celebration. It was nice. Family, extended family and some close friends. Shaurya enjoyed a lot. Specially the cake. We fed him the cream layering and he absolutely loved it. To such an extent that he was ready to snatch it from other's fingers. People were teasing him by taking some cream on fingers and showing it to him and everytime he was opening his mouth to show his desire for a little more.

He has mobility now and was roaming in the entire house. He drags himself well by his hands. Day before yesterday he went all the way to kitchen to find his mom when he didn't find anybody in the hall around him. He tries to be on his knees every now and then but is still learning to balance. I am hoping him to crawl within next few weeks. Gone are those days of flipping on sides to move from one place to other. It has increased responsibility for us to keep the floor absolutely clear of any boots, chappals, papers, plastics etc. as he just loves these things and doesn't miss a chance to munch on them.

It is absolutely wonderful to see my son grow and learn new things everyday. I saw his old t-shirt today and it was so small. He is still so small that i just could not imagine he was smaller a few weeks back. Love you baby...

Apology

Shaurya is almost 5 and half months old now. The last time i wrote anything on this blog was when he was 2 months old. Haven't been able to write anything despite the promise i had made to myself to update this blog regularly. I apologise for that. A lot has happened in our lives since then. Some things that i can share here and many things which i can't. I have do not have access to computer and that's the best reason i can give to myself for not been able to capture those precious moments of Shaurya's life.

Shaurya has grown over last 3 months and i noticed when i looked at some of his older pics on this blog and tried to bring forth some of his actions and activities from the corners of my mind and then comparing them with what he does these days. He recognizes faces now and specially his mom's and to a good extent mine as well. He has started to have semi-solid food and sleeps well and as per schedule (most of the times but not all). He is becoming very stubborn specially when its a matter of feeding him. He eats what he likes and when he likes. Its almost impossible to feed him against his wishes (at least for me). To avoid food he keeps shaking his hands and legs to make sure spoon or milk bottle is not even in the close proximity to his mouth. If at all one succeeds in holding his hands and legs he will make sure he does not open his mouth. Guess he is learning the way to survive in this world sooner than expected.

We moved to new house that i had purchased before Shaurya's birth. Manasi has joined her office recently and the challenge was to take care of him while she would be in office. I have adjusted my time at office and i do night shifts these days. Luckily there was no issue with the people i work with in US. I get to take care of him in the day time. I fear that i am not able to feed him well as he is not eating that well with me as he does with Manasi.

I have tried to squeeze in words without giving too much thought to them. Time was limited and its 4:45 in the morning. Once again i apologise to Shaurya for not been able to update his blog regularly. Will try to do so whenever possible.

10 weeks old

Shaurya is 10 weeks old today. 10 weeks, which is almost 1/5th of an year and converts into 70 days. It seems just yesterday when he was born in front of my eyes and now he has already spent 1680 hours on this earth. Quite a lot of time i would say. Some of his snaps from this week.

Shocked after he rolled on to his right side

and didn't know what to do after that

First attempt to give him Dal ka Paani instead of milk

His reaction on changing his meal

I guess now he is used to it

Visit to meet Shaurya on a rainy day

Visited on 3rd July 2010

I visited Shaurya after a long time. Last time i saw him was on his naamkaran which was around a month back. He has grown and i have missed it again. He has started identifying things, identifying people and following sounds. Don't think he recognizes me as yet. Tried hard to make him familiar with myself. Held him for long time.

Journey to meet him this time was an adventurous one. When i started the journey it was already raining, but didn't look threatening. But by the time i crossed Chembur, the rain was sure to stay for long time. It increased in intensity with each passing minute and eventually turned out to be a heavy rain. One of the biggest downpours of this year which stopped the railway services on Central line and there was actually a small kayak on the roads.

I thought of going back to home mid-way but i continued. I reached vadala and just when i was going to the platform to catch the return train, the train for Bandra arrived and i ran for it. After reaching Bandra, ricks were as usual in their denial mode. Its so amazing to see that nothing changes the mindset of rickshaw-wallas. Anyway, finally one person agreed and i reached Manasi's place.

Shaurya was sleeping and as usual i sat right besides him on the bed. I watched him for some time but could not resist touching him even when there was a risk of waking him up. Kissed him on the forehead. Manasi announced that he would be getting up soon as its time for him to get up now. Great relief for me. But waiting patiently for things is not me. So i started poking him, caressing his cheeks and forehead and massaging his tummy. And in not time he was awake. But he was awake coz he was hungry and so i waited for another half hour. After that there was no stopping. I took him in my hands and played with him. Took him outside in the balcony to show him the rain and the green trees. Tried to talk to him. Manasi does it and i know that he recognizes her and her voice. So i also tried. Kissed him on his forehead and cannot tell how it feels. Cannot tell how it feels when he looks at you and smiles even if it is accidental. Cannot tell how good it feels to keep him close to your chest. There was actually a moment when i felt his heart right opposite to mine and both beat at the same time. I felt it.

Soon it was time to go. I wanted to leave early coz of rush in buses. I left at 4:30PM from Manasi's place. When i reached the stop i found that the bus hadn't arrived for last 1 hour. Generally, the frequency is 15 minutes. So there was every chance of it arriving very soon. But it didn't. Rain was mellow but continuous. I waited for around an hour and then decided to move by rick. But first i wanted to explore the new sky-walk. While walking after 15 minutes i saw the bus near Lucky restaurant. Now i ran back on the sky-walk to catch this one which would first go to Bandra station from where i had already set-off and then would start for Nerul. But i missed it. So i ran back to the bus stop at Bandra station. Fortunately the bus had not come yet. So i was waiting again at the same place where i was around half an hour back. Finally i bus came and after some struggle i could find my seat. But the trouble was far from over coz roads were clogged with traffic and it took me another 2 and half hours to reach home.

Every year rains bring me adventures and i guess this journey was of this year. Every year such adventures make me happy rather than spoiling my mood and this one surely did the same. I get to meet my son and see him after a month. Absolutely worth it.